My PPROM story, June 14,2015

I found out I was pregnant and August 22,2015 and I found out I was having a little boy!! I was almost halfway thru the pregnancy everything was going perfectly nothing could go wrong I thought.

I went to bed the night of September 15,2015 everything going great and woke up the morning of September 16,2015 to my worst nightmare my water had broke and I was only 17w4d. I went to the doctor and they confirmed my water had broke and they sent me to a High Risk Doctor.

Every appointment I went to they told me there was no fluid and all the horrible things that could happen and ask me if I just wanted to end the pregnancy. But there was no way I was going to give up on my little boy his heart was still beating strong and he was still moving around like crazy if he was meant to go it would happen on its own.

Well he held on strong for 12 days, Even though those were the scariest days of my life I still took that time to cherish every time. I heard his heartbeat and every time I felt him move cause I knew at any time that could be the last time.

That still never prepared me for when I found out I was in labor and I was going to have him and they would not do anything to try to save him cause he was to small I was only 19w1d.

That was the most horrible day of my life cause I knew the moment he came into this world that I had to say goodbye to him and I wasn't ready.

My son has changed me forever and I will spend the rest of my life missing him but I am still proud to be the mommy of that perfect little angel.

The pain I felt after losing Liam was blinding, there was nothing I could do to save my son.. the one thing every mother is supposed to do is protect her child and my body did not allow me to do that and I was so angry at my body for that. I had to leave out of the hospital with just a box of his things and come home without him.

The pain was crippling and I didn't want to go out into the world, I didn't want to smile or laugh, I shouldn't be allowed I failed my son.

I felt guilty for the fact that life had to go on. I didn't leave my house or my couch for 2 months.. being out in the World hurt too much, seeing babies hurt, anything to do with pregnancy hurt, everything hurt.

Then a few months later I realised I was able to get up and even smile now and then.

I realised that Liam wouldn't want his mama to live that way. The pain is always going to be there and I'm always going to miss him but it's no longer a crippling pain.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about him and feel proud to be the mom of an angel but the pain no longer consumes me I am able to truly be happy and not feel guilty.